When I decided to start writing a blog I wrote a list of topics I felt passionate enough to talk about, but really I knew there was only one I could start with- miscarriage. Because for me it all started with my miscarriage. That's how my journey with motherhood began and that's one of the reasons I became a doula. So here it goes...Three years and four months ago I lost my first baby on our honeymoon in Bali. The pregnancy was a bit sooner than planned but the baby was very much wanted. I was 26 years old; I believed in happy endings, in making plans and it had never occurred to me that I could have a miscarriage, even though 1 in 4 women do. Actually I'd bet my life on the fact that, at that point in my life, I didn't even know that statistic.
I hadn't known I was pregnant until a few days into our honeymoon because all the tests before that were coming up negative, even though my period was pretty late. The first positive test was a faint positive and the second, a few days later, was the same. I started to panic as something told me this wasn't right and I also had some pretty intense cramping. Me and my husband decided we'd better go to the hospital for me to get checked out, as we weren't returning home for over two weeks. At the hospital they did a transvaginal scan but my womb was empty and they told me it was an etopic pregnancy. We were devastated and booked a flight home for me to have surgery there. However, because I was 6 weeks pregnant I freaked out about getting on a plane, as this can be around the time when etopic pregnancys can rupture and I just didn't want to risk it, so we made the decision to stay in Bali and I had open surgery. I was in theater for 5 hours, they found an ovarian cyst and that I also had appendicitis but no sign of a baby. The doctors were confused because tests still said I was pregnant. They had no explanations. A few days later I started to miscarry. I choose to believe this would have always happened and it was not because of the operation. But no one has ever been able to explain it, not in Bali or when I got home and saw a gynaecologist in the UK.
The road back for me was long and dark. I was very depressed; made worse by the fact that I desperately wanted to get pregnant again and it just wasn't happening. It wasn't until I started to have acupuncture with a fertility specialist five months after the miscarriage that I started to feel a bit more positive and on the second cycle I got pregnant again 🙂 Even then though I still cried for my first baby. Being pregnant again didn't erase the pain or trauma of my miscarriage but that's what a rainbow baby is- it is a baby born after a storm, it doesn't replace or erase the loss but provides hope.
Recently someone I love very much has gone through a miscarriage and it's made me realise more than ever that miscarriage needs to be talked about more. We need more awareness around miscarriage so those that go through it don't feel like they have to suffer alone! We need to celebrate the strong women who lose babies & keep going (no matter what stage they're at) because you know what, they're fucking superheroes! And we need people to think before they speak because sometimes without meaning to people say the wrong thing & it can make an awful situation worse!
And what about me? What do I believe in now? I believe the women who suffer miscarriages are so much more than a statistic, I believe in support; because none of us can do any of this alone and I believe in rainbow babies, because I know firsthand how much joy they bring!
I hope this blog post will not just help raise awareness of miscarriage but will also give hope to the women who have recently had a miscarriage or are currently having one. Your story doesn't end here. It'll take time & the right support but one day you'll feel like yourself again ❤️